God: "Tell Me How You Feel"

(11/18/2020)

Dear Father, I'm in pain,

& my heart is feeling heavy,

seems like I’m going thru it

& errbody up & left me

naturally, I try to be

respectful & soft-spoken

I feel like that’s a weakness,

people see me as a joke and

everything around me going good

for other people

but me, I try doing right,

but in return?

get dealt worst evils

I try to be pursuing,

compromise on every case,

but people take advantage

as they

hang up in my face

amidst past anger issues

folks emotions, I don’t misuse

but folk get mad aggressive

'cause they know that I won’t hit you

or should I say hit them

being a good dude?

can’t comprehend

that hype around that

must be fake

'cause they get

ate up in the end

and now, I can’t pretend

that in my life, I’ve found alignment

+ being in Fort Pierce

has felt like

solitary confinement

outside, I look composed

inside,

my brain sounds off like sirens

I’m tired of putting effort

& when my feelings hurt,

I hide em

it feels like there’s

a hole inside,

a big a gap in my chest

I can’t say that I’m perfect

but God, You see

I try my best

I go out of my way

to make folks day

& see them smile

and in return,

I yearn the same..

ain’t felt that in a while

God, you gave me a bright smile

but right now,

there’s no need to use it

And not moving

when & how I want

is honestly

boutta make me lose it

the truth is

that I feel I

just do good

& am not missed

I have a list of hurts

so, here,

let’s go right down the list

I’m a “b*tch ass nigga” (lies from the enemy)

I make people feel unhappy (lies from the enemy)

& seemingly

I provoke that girl

To make her wanna stab me (but Satan working behind thee)

& also wanna slap me,

take her car & run me over,

I truly wonder why 🤔

deep down inside,

I seek that closure

when holidays arrive

I try surprising

my old lover,

I have 8 iPhone cases already,

but from the dollar store,

I'd get another

For Girlfriend's Day,

went out my way

to take her to Miami

just to be told later

I ain't shit

& she can’t stand me

not where I wanna be

but still I try to

remain thoughtful,

but when things don’t go right

I’m tried,

left feeling soggy

like a waffle

feels like I hit a pothole

God, I’m just not understanding

If she ain’t the one for me

tell me please

So I’m not crash landing

I been through this enough

I’m tired as f*ck,

I wanna win!

& when I wanna vent

can’t even send

for my own kin

my mind just stares up

high,

looks at

the sky, so dark & starry...

she like type to

shoot me in the face

& say

“I’m sorry”

I’m tryna breathe, but hardly

& I’m feeling empty, partly

they handle me so harshly

drill on me just like the army

still feel they can’t outsmart me

'cause apparently, “Love is the answer”

but lately

I’ve been feeling like my presence [is]

more of a cancer

looking at the skyline

tryna connect with You like WiFi,

wishing there were guidelines

of how to get up

off the sidelines

for now, I know I’m bout mine

tell success I’m waiting outside,

same time

wishing heaven had a hotline

hoping an angel'd

hear my outcry

I can’t ignore my heart,

even tho I’m dying to get ahead too

but in my head

it’s said

“If I dropped dead, God,

I wouldn’t blame you”